By: Cathryn Michon
Sometimes, when I’m feeling low, I thank my lucky stars that I’m not Kim Kardashian.
Despite the fact that she has earned over 65 million dollars, I promise you, you do not want to be Kim Kardashian either.
Even if you think it would be cool to be famous and have Madame Tussauds turn you into even more of a wax figure than you already are, you are probably forgetting how Kim Kardashian got to be “Kim Kardashian” in the first place.
Let’s review. The first thing you must do to become a celebutante is, of course:
A sex tape.
Not porn, which is well-lit and shot by professionals, but a poorly lit, stinky bachelor pad video in which the whole world gets to decide for itself whether you really were (a) having that good of a time, and (b) if you aren’t perhaps just the teensiest bit behind on your personal waxing.
Yes, in case you had forgotten, it was through a sex tape that Kim was ‘discovered’.
The only thing more embarrassing than starring in a sex tape is starring in a sex tape that no one wants to watch. So, once your sex tape has been ‘leaked’, you have to generate some publicity. You have to get yourself in front of cameras to let everyone know the tape exists, that you are really embarrassed, and that you really hope they won’t go to www.myembarassingsextape.com where you can buy via PayPal.
That’s right, if you want to be the next Kim Kardashian, you are going to have to eagerly promote your own humiliation.
You’ll also have to become a reality star, which means you will never be allowed to do anything without sucking in your stomach and wearing fully done hair and make-up. As a reality star, you are now in the business of being, well, you. Even so, it takes an army of writers to make your life interesting, because no one’s real life is that interesting unless maybe you’re a hostage or something.
Regrettably, Kim never became a hostage, so to maximize her ability to get attention she became the next best thing:
A bride. Thus, everyone else became her hostage.
As Kim learned, the kind of guy who will marry a reality star is the kind of guy who is dumb enough to think that what matters to him, matters to you. The man Kim married and divorced in record time honestly believed that she would move with him back to Minnesota, but as far as Kim was concerned, the vows she took had an extra (silent) clause: “For better or for worse, but obviously not in Minnesota.”
As we all know, in the real world (as opposed to the Reality World), for a marriage to last, one needs to have more in common than the fact that you both grew up in families who seem oddly devoted to using the letter ‘K’ with ungrammatical abandon not seen since the introduction of Krazy Glue.
Perhaps I’m being kruel to Kim Kardashian. So that she can speak for herself, I have held an interview with her via a statement she wrote for her blog when her marriage tragically came to an end.
Kim says: I hope you respect my courage because this isn’t easy to go through.
I say: Of course, Kim, I totally respect that it must be excruciating to have suffered 72 days of marriage and then tell your husband, via press release, that you have filed for divorce.
Kim says: There are also reports that I made millions of dollars off of the wedding. These reports are simply not true and it makes me so sad to have to even clarify this.
I say: Hmm, perhaps math isn’t your strong suit. It was released in the press that 17 million dollars was paid for the right to turn the wedding into a TV show, and since the cost of the wedding was 10 million dollars, I come up with a balance of 7 million dollars profit. Maybe I should be your accountant–you make more money when I do the math.
Kim says: I share so much of my life on a reality show, that contemplating whether to even film my wedding was a tough decision to make, and maybe it turned out to not be the smartest decision. But it’s who I am!
I say: We know!
Kim says: Everyone that knows me knows that I’m a hopeless romantic!
I say: Well everyone knows that you’re hopeless, that’s for sure! Plus you love exclamation points!
Kim says: I am trying not to read all the different media reports but it’s hard not to see all the negative ones.
I say: But you only see them, right? You’re not actually reading the words, are you? That’s too much work. You should take it easy, go shopping. Just don’t spend more than 7 million, K?
Kim says: I married for love. I can’t believe I even have to defend this. I would not have spent so much time on something just for a TV show!
I say: Did I say you didn’t marry for love? Why are you so defensive?
Kim says: I want a family and babies and a real life so badly that maybe I rushed in to something too soon.
I say: If you want a real life, turn off the frigging camera. Life is not a sex tape.
Which is why you and I can be happy that we’re not Kim Kardashian.
Next time you’re at home in sweatpants with no makeup, just relax and let your stomach hang out. Enjoy! No one is looking! You can also rest easy because there is no sex tape of you running 24/7 on a frat house bigscreen. And finally, you can gratefully remind yourself that you have something that Kim Kardashian, for all her money and fame, will never have:
A real life.
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